Letters Home
by Bryn Gwyrdd
Summary: The Stemwinder case brings up some unexpected emotions for both Lee and Amanda


Disclaimer: I do not own of these characters; they are the property of Shoot the Moon Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television. I acknowledge gratefully the hard work of the creators of the series who brought to life characters we like so much we can't let them go.

This is a little more dramatic than my previous stories but even true love has bad days.

 **LETTERS HOME**

" _Well here we are. A nice quiet dinner in our cozy hideout cleaning our guns. Another typical evening in the spy family"_

" _I don't know how you can be in such a good mood."_

" _Well I'm not. It's just how I handle my nerves before a big operation, and believe me, tomorrow's as big as they come."_

" _If Alexei shows."_

" _Well Rostov sighted him near the Soviet Embassy today. He's watching. He'll be there."_

" _I hope I don't have to use this. I'm not very good at 50 feet. At seventy-five, forget it."_

" _Well if you do need it, it'll be a lot closer. I hope you don't either."_

Lee watched, as Amanda stared at the gun in her hand and grimaced slightly before turning to look at him. "Lee? Do we have time tomorrow to go to the post office?"

"What? Trying to get your Christmas cards out early this year?" he asked, falling back reflexively on jokes to try and lighten the mood.

"I wrote letters for Mother and the boys. I thought we could send them to T.P. to hold onto in case anything happens to us. I don't think I could stand it if they thought we were really traitors." She looked at him with a troubled expression. "I know there's the letters in my Agency file but they're with Billy and I'm not sure he'd pass them on, or at least, I'm not sure he'd be allowed to."

"I'm sorry."

Amanda looked disappointed. "You don't think we'll have time? I suppose I could just leave them here and hope they get them eventually", she sighed.

"No, I mean I'm sorry for all of this" he said gesturing around the room. "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be in the middle of any of this, you'd be home safe with your family, probably happily married to Dean and living a nice quiet life."

"That's a very Scarecrow thing to say." Amanda got up from her chair, walked around the table and sat down in his lap, resting her forehead against his. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be any of those things. I'd have been sold into the white slave trade two years ago and Joe would probably be in an Estoccian prison and Mother would be bringing up the boys on her own."

"She might still."

"No she won't because we know Joe is there and he won't let anything happen to them. And we're here and we're together fighting to get back to them so there's no place for regrets for things that haven't happened."

"There's still time for you to back out of this. You could make a convincing case that I forced you to help me or tricked you into it somehow. You could go back to your old life, get back with Joe, let the boys have a father and a mother…"

"No I couldn't. Francine's right, I'm not a good liar. I'd never make it through a polygraph test – the first time Quidd asked me if I was in love with you, it'd be game over." She smiled into his eyes and leaned down to rest her cheek against his. His arms tightened around her.

"In love with me, huh? You've made some mistakes in the last few years, Amanda, but that one is probably your biggest."

Amanda pulled out of his arms and for the first time, he saw real anger on her face. "Don't you dare say that! Don't ever say that again! I love you Lee Stetson – you are everything that was missing in my life when I met you three years ago and for you to say it was all a mistake is, well, that's probably the most awful thing you've ever said to me." Lee was horrified to see that she had begun to cry. She got up and began pacing around the tiny apartment. "Are you sorry I'm here? Are you sorry we ever met? Are you sorry you said you love me?"

"NO! Of course I'm not sorry for any of that!"

"Well good, because if you were that would make me the stupidest woman that ever lived."

Lee strode across the room to take her in his arms again. "You were never that. You are smart and brave and the most important thing in my life." He ran his hand through his hair, in the gesture she knew and loved. "It was such a habit with me for so long to try and keep you safer by trying to keep you away from me that now it's almost a reflex. I'm sorry you thought I meant any of it that way."

Amanda chuckled tearily into his chest. "You're just sorry for a lot of things today, aren't you big fella?"

"But not this. Never this." He took her face in is hands and leaned down, trying to kiss away the tears on her cheeks. "I love you, Amanda, no matter what happens, I will never be sorry that you were on that station platform that morning."

"That makes two of us then." Amanda rubbed her hand across her eyes to wipe away the last of her tears and smiled up at him. "Now, if we only have tonight, we're wasting time" She took his hands and began walking backwards towards the small bedroom. Stopping by the bed, she raised her hands and rested them lightly on his chest. "So show me how much you love me."

"Always" he murmured before lowering his head to take her lips with his.

Neither were in a hurry that night; they undressed each other slowly, taking their time to explore every contour of their beloved's body, memorizing as they went each knowing this could be the last time they were together. Scooping her into his arms, Lee lowered Amanda onto the bed, before laying down on top of her and letting her pull him into her embrace, resting his head on her chest. He stayed there, listening to her heart beat while she ran her fingers through his hair, before finally lifting his head to look into her eyes.

"I don't think I can show you how much I love you. I don't think I have time enough in the world to show you that."

She smiled up at him, with the look on her face that always took his breath away. "I think you just did." Shifting slightly, she lifted her hips and drew him into her molten core. He watched her eyes darken with desire as she clamped around him. She began to rock against him slowly in that irresistible rhythm until he matched her pace.

"Open your eyes". He hadn't even realized they were closed until he heard her whispered command. Gazing into the expressive brown eyes so close to him, he felt he could see right into her heart. "I think I fell in love with your eyes first, that first day you looked at me and asked me to help you."

"It took me longer than you. You always were the smart one in this relationship."

"It's not a competition. We got to the same place eventually." He felt as much as saw the flush rise up her body and felt his body racing to meet hers in climax as she moaned, "Oh god, Lee, I love you!"

"I love you, my Amanda"

They clung to each other, shaking, knowing they'd found everything they needed in each other as they tumbled over the edge.

SMK** SMK** SMK**

It was still before dawn when Amanda woke to find the bed beside her still empty. Lee had slipped out of the bed several hours before and when she had sleepily asked him where he was going, he had kissed her and said he just had a last few details to iron out before tomorrow. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart. I'll be back." She had dropped back into an uneasy rest, soothed by the sounds of Lee working at something at the kitchen table.

Lifting her head from the pillow now, she could see Lee coming back into the apartment from the street. When she called his name, he came to her instantly, gathering her into his arms for a kiss. "I went to take the letters to T.P. directly. No unfinished business."

She rested her brow against his. "Thank you. Now come back to bed and hold me until we have to go."

"Only if you'll speak French to me." He was laughing as he quickly stripped his clothes back off.

Amanda chuckled as he slid back into her arms. "Toujours, mon amour."

SMK** SMK** SMK**

One week later.

Lee arrived back at the Q Bureau expecting to find Amanda, but instead found just a note tucked into the frame of the cartoon she'd given him months before. "Gone for tutti-frutti. Come when you can." Glancing at his watch, he realized she probably hadn't left that much before him. He jogged down the stairs, dropping his badge into Mrs. Marston's hand with a smile. Walking out the front door, and realizing it was a beautiful fall day, he decided to take the ten-minute walk to T.P's favourite ice-cream place in Georgetown. It was still a slightly novel feeling to be able to walk openly on the street after all those days on the run. He wondered if Amanda had felt the same way when she'd gone to see T.P., a thought which led him to wondering if she was missing the time they'd spent together as well. He knew she was happy to be home, immersed in the love of her family again, much the same as he'd been happy to get back to the familiar surroundings of his apartment and his old life but Lee had been surprised by how lonely it seemed without Amanda's twenty-four hour companionship. Lost in thought as he walked, he was surprised to find himself already outside the ice-cream parlour. Looking around, he saw T.P. sitting alone at an outside table and suddenly panicked, he darted through the tables until he reached his friend.

"T.P.? Isn't Amanda here? She left me a note to meet her here."

"Oh she's here, Lee, but I'm not quite sure what's going on. One minute she's sitting here all smiles and the next thing I know, she's gone white as a sheet and walked away. She's over there." T.P. gestured to the park across the street where, to his relief, Lee could see Amanda sitting on a bench with her back to them. "I figured she needed you more than me, so I've just been waiting for you and keeping an eye on her. I hope I did the right thing?"

"What were you talking about right before she walked away?" Lee wondered if she was having some kind of flashback to their days on the run.

"Nothing really. She was telling me about how happy she was to be back at work and getting to start training and how crazy her family was to get her home and then I remembered I still had the package you gave me so I asked her if she wanted the letters back."

"Hoo boy." Lee suddenly had an inkling what might have happened. "And she said yes?"

"Yes, and since I had them in my briefcase, I handed them over. But maybe I shouldn't have?"

"No, it's fine. There's just slightly more to it than you knew. Thanks T.P. I'll look after her."

"It's good to have you both back. Maybe we can talk longer another day, Lee."

"Sure thing T.P. Thanks again."

Lee walked slowly across the street, wondering what reception he was going to get when he got there. He slid slowly onto the bench beside Amanda and placed his arm around her shoulders. For a moment, she continued to stare straight ahead, tears trickling down her cheeks, before she turned to face him.

"T.P. gave me the letters."

Lee knew he'd been right. "Yeah, he told me."

Amanda continued to stare at him for a moment before she looked down at the collection of envelopes in her hand where she was convulsively smoothing and re-smoothing them. "You wrote your own letters."

"Yep."

"To my mother and the boys. You wrote to my family."

"Yeah, I did. I wanted them to know what their mother and daughter had done for her country, for her family… for me. You haven't been able to tell them anything all these years and I was pretty sure your letters wouldn't tell them enough about everything you've done for them. I didn't want them to believe any lies that might have been told about you later but I did want them to know how much you loved them." He paused, waiting for some reaction and getting none, went on. "I spent most of my life not knowing anything about what my parents were really like and when I found out about Blackthorne's smear campaign, you were there to help me prove that they weren't what people thought. I couldn't stand it if Jamie or Philip ever had to grow up thinking that about you. And, well, even from a distance they've been the closest I've had to family in a long time and I wanted them to know how much I loved you and how much you deserved it."

The silence after he finished speaking stretched out. He wondered how angry she was with him that finding out about the letters had left her without anything to say. Finally to his relief, she rubbed a sleeve across her eyes and turned to him. Wrapping her arms around him, she leaned into his chest as he brought his other arm around her to embrace her fully.

"For a man who said he didn't have enough time to show me how much he loved me, you're doing not bad at all, Lee."

"Just not bad?" he laughed into her hair. "I'll have to keep trying."

Her laughter still had a trace of teary hiccups in it as she hugged him tighter. "Good thing we have all the time in the world then, isn't it?"

"Yes it is, my Amanda."


End file.
